Lunchroom Larfs- October 30, 2015

Three days later a cat and a dog got in there and messed up the skeleton's rib cage something awful. From that point on he just plugged up his eye and nose holes and carried a Tetra fish around.

Lunchroom Larfs- October 29, 2015

The pumpkin skull joined the countless skulls of acorn squash, butternut squash, spaghetti squash and zucchinis in the towering pile in Amber's backyard.

Lunchroom Larfs- October 28, 2015

Eventually Nigel realized a lunch bag was a much more efficient way to carry his lunch to work.

Lunchroom Larfs- October 27, 2015

Worse than the high water bill due to this performance was the cost of royalties to the estate of Arthur Freed for singing the lyrics. Oh, and the structural water damage to ceiling downstairs.

Lunchroom Larfs- October 26, 2015

As a child the cake's mother used to lecture him about finishing his plate. As an adult he will eat one shoe for it's fiber, but he'll be damned if he's gonna eat two of those disgusting things.

Lunchroom Larfs- October 23, 2015

Much like when Superman turned back time, in the movie Superman: The Movie, time was reversed by this act back the point in World War II, where Harry S. Trueman throws his bow tie at Hitler vanquishing him to the Phantom Zone. 

Lunchroom Larfs- October 21, 2015

Growing up without parents was hard for little Medusa. She was withdrawn and didn't make many friends, but everyone no one debated when she would win the best landscaping for her beautiful front yard year after year. 

Lunchroom Larfs- October 20, 2015

Even worse than losing all his skin that plunger never came off Edwin's skull. All the other kids called him "the skinless shit head". Though at Halloween when the school toilet was plugged up and the great decoration famine plagued the Midwest Edwin was considered a hero for many reasons.

Lunchroom Larfs- October 16, 2015

Ironically, the sausages were underdone and gave the diners worms... that the birds ate.

Lunchroom Larfs- October 15, 2015

Thankfully no one else bothered to attend a hoedown during the say, so Katie quickly put up a poster for Boys II Men and never spoke of Silvia again. Oddly, no one else did either. Everyone hated Silvia.

Lunchroom Larfs- October 14, 2015

The fish then attracted the cats, who attracted the wolf cubs, which attracted the grizzly bear which was attracted to the girl. After a few months they moved into a den together and raised their own cubs. The girls friends said she gave up what was sure to be a successful career in dance to be a Mamma Bear. Others said she wasn't that great of a dancer anyway.

Lunchroom Larfs- October 13, 2015

It went pretty well, until the cat needed to use the litter box. And even that wasn't the rough part, it was when the cat tried to bury it's scat. John didn't get the adoring looks he desperately longed for that day, only an infection and stitches on his forehead.

Lunchroom Larfs- October 9, 2015

Jimmy was always falling into holes. The next time he fell into working well, but the water snakes were too slippery to tie together. After eating as many as he could, he was saved 15 minutes after falling in.

Lunchroom Larfs- October 8, 2015

When Agnes went to the ocean the sperm whales did the same thing due to her perfume made of ambergris. 

Lunchroom Larfs- October 7, 2015

You don't want to know what these dogs did when they found out about Alamo attacker Santa Anna's leg at the Illinois State Military Museum

Lunchroom Larfs- October 5, 2015

That's right, when it rains those puddles you step in are thousands of little dead raindrops. YOU MONSTER!

Lunchroom Larfs- October 2, 2015

Later glass was filled up with mescalin. He then killed a prostitute after hallucinating she was a bendy straw.

Lunchroom Larfs- October 1, 2015

The man was just lucky he put the ghost on the way way he did. Had that ghost been backwards, the baby's mess would have just come out the mouth hole. And that would have been bad for everyone.

Lunchroom Larfs- September 30, 2015

Ketchup and Apple Sauce grew old together in the back of the fridge until after fooling around with Salsa, Ketchup gave apple sauce a case of the crusts on her lid. Though they stayed in the same fridge and made the best of it, Chutney had it worst as she had to listen day after day as each one bitterly complained about the other.

Lunchroom Larfs- September 28, 2015

The fire alarm was a braggart and took ever opportunity to show up Telephone. Then in 1984 poor rotary phone was deemed obsolete and sold for a nickle at a yard sale. Fire alarm soon missed old rotary phone when brash young touch tone showed up with his musical ring, and ability to clunkily play popular music of the day.

Lunchroom Larfs- September 25, 2015

The cashier would have none of it, until the bear ate the racoon, pointed at the cashier and growled, "You're next, asshat"

Lunchroom Larfs- September 24, 2015

From that day on William Tell's son refused to eat or even be in the same room as fresh produce. The irony is that once the convolutions and fever set in he begged his father to put him out of his misery caused by the scurvy.

Lunchroom Larfs- September 23, 2015

Benjamin then shoved his hands deep into his pockets and sadly walked to his work as a piano instructor. That's right, he house trained pianos and kept them from jumping up on visitors.

Lunchroom Larfs- September 22, 2015

Their baby ice cube was later picked up by Child Services and adopted by an elderly Italian couple who accidentally made him into a Hazelnut Italian soda.

Lunchroom Larfs- September 21, 2015

The captain realized at that moment his cousin from the planet Bidet was not kidding around abut his visit to Earth years ago.

Lunchroom Larfs- September 17, 2015

Plugging in that old hairdryer shorted out all the power in the Russian Druzhnaya 4 research base, who in turned played nicky-nicky-nine doors (ding-dong ditch for you Americans) on the Ukrainian Vernadsky Research Base. Later all researchers from both bases were found dead, their tongues frozen to flag poles after double dog daring one another to do it.

Lunchroom Larfs- September 16, 2015

It was when the the bacon jumped from the fridge and squealed right out the door that Abe called his therapist, an exorcist and his haberdasher.

Lunchroom Larfs- September 15, 2015

Arnie should just be thankful that the order was closer to being correct this time, over when he received all those fish bowels in his mailbox that time.

Lunchroom Larfs- September 14, 2015

And that's how Jonathan gave his girlfriend ticks.

Lunchroom Larfs- September 11, 2015

The driver didn't notice the accident until they had reached the Grand Canyon 300 kilometers away (or 1,400 leagues for you Americans). He covered it up by throwing all the stick bodies into the canyon. To this day, just outside of Las Vegas, you can still hear the body-less heads playing license plate bingo.

Lunchroom Larfs- September 10, 2015

Dracula and Nosferatu almost caught that bloodmobile, but just as they grabbed the bumper to pull themselves up, a transport truck shipping crosses and garlic overturned in front of them. The Elder Vampires still talk about the one that got away. The young vampires have noticed that the truck has gotten bigger and bigger with each telling over the years.

Lunchroom Larfs- September 9, 2015

You think the people on the ground had it bad? The widow McIntyre, in the apartment on the 87th floor, had a similarly shaped thing crash through her window. The more she tried to push it back out, the further into her apartment it went.

Lunchroom Larfs- September 8, 2015

And of course after hibernating all summer, the school house greedily satiated himself on all those delicious children. Later he passed the indigestible bones and Beanie Boo eyes into the soccer field, you know where all those sunflowers grow now. 

Lunchroom Larfs- June 25, 2015

The school settled in for an well earned 10 week rest. Only hours after falling into a deep sleep she was startled awake by workers crawling all over her face to repair the roof. This waking nightmare haunted the school for years.

Lunchroom Larfs- June 22, 2015

An awkward scene followed when spoon and Mug realized they were the only ones not wearing bathing suits. They had honestly thought the cupboard culture was way more progressive than it actually was.

Lunchroom Larfs- June 19, 2015

The shock waves from the giant flyswatter hitting the side of the Empire State building killed everyone on floors 28 through 31. Sadly, Fay Wray was one of those people. Without the beauty to tame the beast, King Kong continues his rein of terror to this day. Currently New York is deserted and consists of squashed buildings, 400 ton piles of banana peels (the bananas were put there by the residents of New Jersey as an offering to spare them), and of course giant gorilla shit.

As a side note, even King Kong had no desire to visit Jersey.

Lunchroom Larfs- June 18, 2015

Later a hobo broke up the "H" and the "N" to start a fire to warm his weary cold bones. The exclamation point came in handy to bludgeon a rival hobo who tried to steal his bindle stick. That evening the hobo curled up under the word balloon and fell asleep warmer and cosier than he has in years.

Lunchroom Larfs- June 17, 2015

Once the sharks arrived, Francis wished he had yelled something like, "OH GOD, PLEASE HELP ME GET OUT OF THIS TERRIBLE SITUATION!" because then he could have gotten his entire body up out of the water. The "Arrggghhh" after his legs were chewed off was of little help at that point.

Lunchroom Larfs- June 16, 2015

The true hero of this story is the table, who managed not to scream in pain. Especially when you realize that the bottom of the south most leg is where it's genitals are located.

Lunchroom Larfs- June 15, 2015

It's okay, when the plane was new, the giant played with it for hours. The next day however, he completely lost interest, leaving it tucked behind the mountain. After a few days the passengers and crew deemed it safe to leave and quietly and swiftly sneaked to the nearest town. They had only eaten three of their fellow passengers during that time. Not for lack of food, but come on, airline food is terrible. Am I right, people?

Lunchroom Larfs- June 12, 2015

Without his stripes to confuse predators the zebra was immediately attacked and devoured by a tiger. And that is how the tiger got his stripes. He just picked them up and took them.

Lunchroom Larfs- June 10, 2015

The giraffe is just lucky he picked on the monkey that dropped out of Boy Scouts early. Had he teased the monkey's cousin, Bobo, who stayed in Rover Scouts until he was 20 it would have been worse. Bobo could do stevedore knots which would have resulted in the giraffe's head being bound to it's own ass.

Lunchroom Larfs- June 9, 2015

This wasn't the first time Dr. Hubble got into hot water over putting a little prick in someone's mouth. Ifyouknowwhatimean.

Lunchroom Larfs- June 8, 2015

Superman was  notoriously frightened of going to the dentist. Dr. Hubble, being a wily doctor draped the lead x-ray vest over his head before starting. Also he filled in the cavity with a trace amount of Kryptonite, which gave Superman a nagging headache. Ain't no Tylenol that's gonna help Superman.

Lunchroom Larfs- June 5, 2015

This was an excruciating extraction, the hardest of the dentist's career thus far. And of course the cheque Plastic Man used to pay with bounced. 

Lunchroom Larfs- June 4, 2015

The ogre sued Orkin as he had just spent a small fortune to have his home fumigated for fairies. The kicker was he had to stay out his house for 3 days while the work was being done. He was forced to stay with his overbearing Aunt Edith who kept calling him "Jolly Green Giant" as he was not nearly mean enough to be an ogre in her books.

Lunchroom Larfs- June 3, 2015

When Ms. Dumpty found out she immediately claimed that Humpty had never loved their children, and it seemed awfully convenient that such an accident would happen right after they had an argument about finances that centered around providing for their little egglets. 

She had gone to bed weighing her options and just before falling into a fitful sleep decided that she would go to the police in the morning. The morning never came for Ms. Dumpty. Only a stack of banana pancakes were found at their house. It was deemed a murder suicide, but a few still believe Humpty Dumpty is out there very carefully riding the rails across the country as we speak. 

Lunchroom Larfs- June 2, 2015

The campfire was ruined after one of the ants dropped their marshmallow on the ground and ants from miles around swarmed them.

Lunchroom Larfs- June 1, 2015

This selfish act of Ruthie Joad, the girl on the bicycle, kick started the great Oklahoma drought and forced her family to flee to California to try and eke out a meager living. Trust me, I've read Grapes of Wrath, it's all in there.

Lunchroom Larfs- May 29, 2015

Though with the head of a man, and the haunches of a lion, the Great Sphinx of Giza had the feces of a middle aged truck drivers whose diet consisted mainly of fast food and cheap beer.