Tuesday, January 8, 2013

New Year's Heave!

When I was a kid I had a book called “School Years” which had pockets to put report cards, photos and other documents for each grade. For each year there was a place to write what you wanted to be when you grew up.

It's called an "Author" you stupid fuck. And why no new friends or achievements?
Ah, sweater vest, plaid shirt and bowl cut, now I understand.

It’s amazing how goals change through life especially after having children. When once I wanted to be a film auteur or famous comedic actor, now I want to sleep undisturbed through the night or watch a movie from the start to the end in one sitting.

Most movies are interrupted at least four times by my youngest daughter waking up and needing rocked back to sleep. Four times might not seem like much, but after that many we typically give up trying to watch it that night. Watching a movie in the span of two nights is always disappointing. Due to fatigue, I forget major plot points, characters and the name of the movie. Like I'm an old man at the movie theatre jabbering questions to his equally confused young mistress (in my simile I'm a rich old man).

Wait, is this a Moonlighting/3rd Rock From The Sun cross over?

Neither my wife nor I like to choose what movie we watch. Since it is a true time commitment of two days you do not want to be the one that chose a shitty movie. For the next three rounds of movie choices you will be reminded by your partner of the time you wanted to watch Johnny English because you heard “good things.”

"Really darling, I heard a guy behind the paint store saying this was hilarious. He had paint all around his mouth so he must be an artist and knows of these things."

Even worse would be picking a bad movie and having the kids sleep through it. Oh boy, that would be like winning a tropical vacation and then spending the entire time vomiting  because you insisted on eating at the airport Taco Bell before take off. 

My girls are notoriously bad sleepers, as previously written about here and here. Now if we have a decent night sleep it’s as if we’ve won $5,000 in the lottery. Not enough to set us up for life, but enough to feel a little relaxed about our debt.


Recently the baby has been waking up in the middle of the night and is ready to party. I have the most chance of a nap during the day, by this a number of factors align: while the eldest is in school the baby falls asleep, and no dinner prep or chores need to be done. The same equation brings about the apocalypse according to the Mayans. Anyway due to this I get up with the baby and have a “Bagel Party” with her. This consists a blurry eyed me putting cutting a bagel in two, putting said bagel in the toaster, buttering the bagel with butter, having the bagel flatly refused by the baby, and tearily eating that bagel myself.

I don’t recall seeing a New Year’s Eve for the past four years or so as a result of these children. While others are watching fireworks or Dick Clark’s balls drop (snicker and of course R.I.P.) I stare at this:

The hypnotic eyes of the Scotty dog command you to stay awake!

It’s no wonder every year my New Year’s resolution is to dust the ceiling fan more. This year we gave up trying to get her back to sleep and she partied with us.

Baby's resolution: Knock that drink out of Daddy's hand.

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