Wednesday, May 1, 2013

Slow and Steady Will Get You Trapped In A Clear Box

“You aren’t sugar, you won’t melt. Now get the fuck out of this house”
- my mother

As a child the weather never really stopped my family from doing anything. During a 10 day black out after the great ice storm of 1998 in my home town of Smiths Falls we still went ahead and did all the everyday things we normally did. You know, like stealing other people’s generators and whatnot.

Because I was a teenager and due to sense memory, I rubbed that branch until the ice melted.

I don’t recall using an umbrella until I was an adult or even having a rain coat. The latter may have been because I looked so damned good in denim jeans and a jacket.

Because everyone respects a guy dressed totally in denim, right? Also, are his pants unzipped?

As a kid I was outside most of the day. I remember scarfing down my dinner as quickly as I could so I could get back outside to play. It was awkward when I had a friend over for dinner and just ran outside while they were still eating. My girls are similar and are not accustomed to having a day inside. When they are in the house for more than a few hours they become human pinballs both physically and emotionally bouncing off everyone and everything.

That’s why last week on a morning that was particularly rainy and dreary I announced a snail hunt. The girls are obsessed with snails. We went out and immediately found about a dozen of them to put in a bug box. From here we went to the local drop in to horrify mothers who were attending a special kindergarten orientation day by shoving the snails in their faces to look at. Nothing makes me happier by the way then watching an adult be brave about these things in front of children. But I do enjoy any form of squirming.

At the request of the coordinator we set up at a small table and let the snails crawl around. It quickly became a makeshift snail info centre dolling out bad information like “They are worms with houses.” and handing out snails for small children to suck on.

"Those snails are wrestling." (snorgy)

This was followed by bringing them to school, where my oldest takes French Immersion. Quickly she learned a song about escargot. She told me the teacher didn’t seem very excited about the snails. Perhaps she was dégoûtant by them.

The next morning the snails were brought out and a city built by my daughter and her friend. They quickly lost interest and upon entering the empty kitchen I found snails crawling everywhere. Here are just a few of the scenes I witnessed:
That's french bread, also known as an Apéritif

Reenacting a scene from Lord of The Rings

Note the Star of David on this block of wood...

Not one, but two snail Jesus to honour Easter. What is the plural of Jesus? A flock of Jesus, A murder of Jesus? I just don't know.
Damn it! That's my morning vodka. I just can't get the day started without it.

Little did this Olympic high diver know that it was a salt water pool.
My snail just won't sleep it's crib. It keeps me up all night.

This snail questions it's purpose in life:

It did not seem to like the answer it came up with:

Alternatively, this well adjusted snail retired early and enjoys just rocking on the porch.
Damned kids sliming through my corn fields!

 As for what my youngest daughter was doing:

With those idiots distracted, I finally get the good toys to myself.

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