Tuesday, September 11, 2012

Dirty Beavers

Children have an amazing aptitude to latch onto an inappropriate topic and never let go of it. My oldest for the past two days has been obsessed with the idea of beavers underneath the kitchen table. It began innocently enough with pretending that there were ten beavers under there, her friend then upped it to a hundred, then two hundred, then what my daughter believes is a large number, “sixteen and a hundred.” I fear for her math grades. Finally the number reached a gazillion.

That’s all fine and good except suddenly the beavers were naked. Fair enough, most animals don’t dress up like in cartoons, but then they were showing each other their penises and vaginas. This is where I stepped in and announced this was inappropriate meal conversation. The two 4 year-olds shot me a look that clearly stated that this was obviously important conversation as an adult was uncomfortable.  Before I knew it the story became a beaver smacking me in the bum with it’s penis. And the lady beavers playing pin the vagina on the beaver (redundant). I quickly ended lunch and sent them off to school.

Unrelated Beaver Doodle

Today the topic came up quickly at lunch again, “Remember yesterday with the beavers and the penises and vaginas?” (Incidentally that will be the name of my first country album.) I reminded them that this was not to be talked about at the dinner table. That’s when they started whispering it. A child’s whisper is slightly quieter than a bullhorn. I Gave up and retired to the kitchen to weep into yet another coffee that had gone cold due to child rearing.

At dinner I told my wife the story and she quickly pointed out I had better tell the other kids mother before it comes up in conversation at their dinner table and the fact that a beaver was paddling my ass with it’s penis came up. I cannot wait for drop off at the school yard tomorrow.


  1. BWAHAHA!!!!!!! WHy did I miss all this humour when I was just next door. We could have used you at the playground after school! So glad you're letting it out to the world.

  2. OK that was seriously the best thing I've read in a very long time and I am wiping the streaming tears as they run down my face. Thank you for that!!!!!!!

    Roll with it...it will get easier.

  3. Holy smokes. That is SOO funny. I ready part 2 first, and HAD to read Part one. I have a one year old, and babysat a four year old. I had to call her mom one day and tell her that if the 4 year old started talking about breasts, seeing them, who has them etc. it's not because I'm a pervert, it's just that I'm still nursing.