Lunchroom Larfs- February 26, 2015

At first doctors thought the astronomer had a simple case of pink eye. As it turns out it the virus had traveled through a freak wormhole connecting his telescope to that of his planet Xenod counterpart. The virus spread down his optic nerve and quickly infected his brain turning him into a gibberish sprouting madman. It then spread throughout his body slowly liquifying his insides until one day from every orifice his innards leaked out leaving a stinking steaming pile of ectoplasm-like goo, and his moulted skin lay on the floor like a macabre Halloween costume left on the floor.

Meanwhile the Xenod astronomer, Glaxoo, also contracted pink eye. This resulted in itchy eyes and  thick greenish-yellow discharge, making him virtually undateable for a week.

By the way a week in earth time is 24 years in Xenod time.

Lunchroom Larfs- February 25, 2015

The audience was bowled over by the mysterious singer's performance. So much so that most of them raced backstage to either meet her or sign her to their label. They were convinced that this woman would be the next Ella Fitzgerald. However, when they arrived behind the curtain she was no where to be seen. People searched and asked the theatre manager for weeks who that fantastic singer was and how to get hold of her. No one knew. It was as if she disappeared from the face of the earth after that one performance.

She became legend in the business. People who were there brought up the story for years afterwards. Those in the business who were not there lied to be part of the "in crowd".  In truth only one person knew the secret of the woman who was later dubbed "The Melancholy Nightingale" and that was the old janitor who had faithfully worked there for 43 years never missing a day. Days later a colleague noted the janitor missed the entire performance, and had also oddly shaved his legs earlier that evening.

Lunchroom Larfs- February 24, 2015

As they both felt a tug on the line each imagined the meal they would soon eat. The man dreamed of shark fin soup, while the shark dreamed of man penis chowder.

Lunchroom Larfs- February 23, 2015

In the spring the tree would sprout tiny bone shaped leaves. Children would then collect these from the ground in autumn and make Thanksgiving centerpieces to enjoy as they ate their turkey and cranberries while pretending to listen to their slightly racist uncle talk about how the city used to be a good place to live.

Lunchroom Larfs- February 19, 2015

The worst part was that all meats and dairy products would expire by the time you got to the head of the line. Then the sloth would have to call the turtle to exchange it for you.

Lunchroom Larfs- February 14, 2015 Valentine's Day Cards for the Kids

On February 15th, the local garbage man would poignantly look at all the little Valentine's Day men cards in the trash, and sadly shake his head muttering, "Card once a year don't mean nothing." Then scoop a dead racoon someone mistakenly threw into the compost into the back of the truck.

The zombies were deeply in love, until Karen realized that Frank's heart belonged to someone else. In retrospect that was quite obvious, but she was a sentimental fool. When the truth came out she binged on children's brains and cried herself to sleep.

Lunchroom Larfs- February 12, 2015

It was futile for the snowman to even try. He doesn't have legs.

Lunchroom Larfs- February 11, 2015

Once Earth realized he had lice, he used a product called chlorofluorocarbon, and in only three short centuries all the lice had died. Then Venus let Earth back into the the bed with her.

Lunchroom Larfs- February 10, 2015

The earth always thought the moon was the perfect wing man. Turns out the moon ridiculed him behind his back to seem cool to the mean girl Venus.

Lunchroom Larfs- February 6, 2015

The impact of the giant snowball didn't hurt the other kids, but they did suffocate under all that snow. The other boy relished his victory and celebrated over hot cocoa.

Lunchroom Larfs- February 5, 2015

Even more traumatizing than getting her ears wrapped up with the gift, was that the recipient was a gift wrap tearer, not someone who gentle removes the tape.

Lunchroom Larfs- February 4, 2015

The baby bird kept wearing Humpty's lower body in order to walk into bait shops and purchase worms with Humpty's credit cards. However, after a few weeks the sickening smell from Humpty's rotting yolk and white prompted store owners to refuse service to the bird. Of course never really learning to find food on it's own or fly the bird was quickly eaten by a calico cat named Fluffernutter.

Lunchroom Larfs- February 3, 2015

The true tragedy was that the horse wanted his eggs scrambled, but the King's men pulled rank saying he was the "Master". Eventually after hearing that a few more times, the horse kicked the man to death. 

Lunchroom Larfs- February 2, 2015

There are more than one way to skin a cat. He put his pants on one leg at a time. Due to his neighbor's severe dander allergy, he was indeed, something to sneeze at. Of course, curiosity killed the cat. Curiosity being the prostitute the cat refused to pay for services rendered. The cat was let out of the bag... at the morgue.